I was seen as an “embarrassment” to not only my abuser, but to my parents as well, which made me just dislike/hate myself.
I thought, that I was the problem all along, because no one stood up for me. No one.
As someone who was sexually assaulted at 15, by a “family friend”, and then became pregnant by this person and force by him and my parents, to not only have the baby, but to marry this individual as well, I lost all trust in people from that point on.
I often felt that maybe I was watching another person’s story, and that it couldn’t be my own; I often “disassociated” myself from my reality, just to survive. It was like I was living an “out of body” experience, just to cope.
Having been from a “privileged and well known “ family, there was nothing I could say, because no one would have believed me, and no one would have helped me, as I was often reminded.
During my “marriage”, I have been beaten, bruised, locked in closets, left with very little to eat for me and my child, having to “save” and hide food, and look for some as well, when I was let out to take my child to the park or if we visited my parents. (with supervision of course.)
Life has been very difficult, but the fear I have seen on my child’s face, from a young age, has hurt me more than all I have been through. Years have passed, and I am trying to “get out”, and have started the process, very slowly. We are “out”, of that house, and away from my family, who enabled him to do this to us.
I know the healing for both me and my child, will take a long time, but as I have heard many people say, I just need to take “one step at a time.”