When I look at myself now in the mirror, I see how he has pushed me so far down, with his abusive words and beatings, that I feel so low and sad many times. After he has left the house to go to work or out with his beer buddies, which is usually after he has taken a few swings and hits at me, and thrown his tantrums, of not only hitting me but destroying the house, and making a huge mess for me to have to clean up, as I start to pick up the pieces and try to find my center again, after a good cry.
I often say to myself, how is it that I could have married someone like this?!!! My dad was nothing like him.
When I was asked to share part of my story, I thought, that no one wants to hear from me and what I have been through. It is sad, that when he has yelled at me and pushed me when we have been out to dinner with friends, no one steps into help. Nothing. No one asks me if I am ok. Nothing!!! I have been told by my abuser that no one will care, and if I tell anyone they will think I am crazy.
I am sure people that don’t know anything about domestic violence do think that people like I am crazy, but I am not and victims like me aren’t. Maybe we might feel like we are some days, after being beaten and verbally abused. We have been broken, but we are strong. I know I cannot live with him any longer, and need to figure out my next move to leave him. We have one small child, who is five, so the sooner the better, because our son sees how he is. This is enough. My son and I deserve more!!!
I don’t remember all of my last beating by my husband, as I passed out a short time after he hit me, I fell as he was swearing that I was the worst cook ever. I could hear my 12 year old daughter yelling at him to stop as she was screaming and crying. I don’t know where our two younger boys were at that moment, as they had run into their rooms when he started yelling before hitting me. When I woke up, I saw my daughter with our neighbor standing over me. They didn’t call the police, as the last time this happened, we called the police, but they did nothing, not even make a report, as they said no one would believe me at all, because, you see, he is related to one of the judges in Will County where I live –and it has been stressed to me by the cops, that no one cares. This is such a sad state, where victims of domestic violence have no way to be heard, because of their abuser’s crooked connections. It is amazing how certain names in Will County get special treatment over others. Justice is not blind, but it has deep pockets.
I don’t know what will happen the next time. He always leaves the house after hitting me and when he comes back, he acts as if he did nothing wrong. I wonder if he could find us if we run. My daughter told me one day that we should leave and find a place to hide where he could not find us. I almost cried when she said that. All I could do was hug her tight. How has it gotten to this, where I am not sure if I can protect her from this monster and even she realizes he is dangerous?! I don’t want our sons to end up like him, thinking it is ok to hit women. It is not ok. I have to figure something out, make some plan, for me and my precious babies. Or one day it may be one day too late.
I am always walking on egg shells around him—our children are as well. This is more than we can handle anymore. We need something better, and we deserve something better.
Today, once again, I woke up to a hateful man, that is unfortunately my abusive husband, wailing on me, that I did something else wrong. What don’t I do wrong, according to him?! I woke up, and started to make breakfast, and the first word out of his mouth this morning, was; “I hate scrambled eggs, can’t you do anything right?!!!” He then proceeded to hit me across the face, and then take the hot pan and throw it and the eggs across the room, almost hitting one of our children and the dog. He stormed out of the room, and eventually left the house to go to work, all the while swearing at me. He blames me for everything. My first reaction was to make sure our daughter was ok. She is four. I started crying, as she was crying, and I thought later, if she will remember this moment, and her dad’s behavior? We also have a two year old boy, who was in the other room. Will he remember the other moments of anger from his father? Maybe. I know that I need to get out with my kids, while I still can. I do fear him, and my kids do as well, but we love him but at the same time, we just don’t always like him. We have been so alone during COVID, with him, and it has become increasingly scary. He goes to work sometimes, but he is still here so much, or his friends stop by often when he is not here, as if to check on us, to make sure we haven’t left the house.
How do I make this break, because he has many friends, who know where I go and what I do, somehow. It is like he is having me watched. Is he that jealous or insecure? The system seems to not favor survivors of domestic violence. Him having friends in high places, makes me fear my kids or I, or both will disappear, if he doesn’t get his way.
Privilege and Power rule the system and the courts, I have no doubt.
But, we need to get out, somehow and someday soon!
Signed; Afraid and Not Privileged in the System
I have realized so much during my time dealing with the abuse from my husband. I have definitely learned who my true friends are. Those who have turned away from me, because they were embarrassed that I was going through this, and they couldn’t handle it themselves. I had one “family member” say it was too stressful for them, to deal with my trauma, when they didn’t know the whole of all I was dealing with. My family and some friends know now I have been dealing with abuse, but most don’t care and tell me that I must have done something wrong to irritate him so bad that he hits me. Some tell me to just “deal with it.” Those that judge and blame victims are ignorant and selfish.
Those who turn away from victims/survivors instead of standing by them and encouraging them, are only enabling the abuser. Selfish and narcissistic behaviors from so called “friends and family” only poison the victim’s environment, with toxicity. That is not what we as survivors need, as we learning to try to get out of this dangerous and negative situation, and get into a more healthy environment.
Word to the wise; Don’t judge victims/survivors. You don’t know what we go through.
Sometimes I wonder, What if I hadn’t married such an abusive man, what would I be doing? Would I be happily married to an actual nice and caring man?! I wish. I ask myself, how could I have been so fooled by him.
I often think about this when he is slapping me across the face, and throwing me against the wall. I know I cannot change what path I chose in the past, not knowing what lay before me, after the “honeymoon phase” past not long after we returned from our actual honeymoon. I know that I am not the only one who is “fooled” like this, by a manipulative man, only showing their “charming side” until they have you where they want you. Now, I just have to decide what to do while I am now pregnant and have seen that he is not going to change. I am alone….I am scared to death. I don’t want to live like this anymore….not one day more. Who is there to listen? To help victims? I had called the local police (Bolingbrook) once, and they just laughed at me. Didn’t care at all. Didn’t do anything.
I am here….just me and my baby inside of me, calling out for help, and no one listens.