Survivor Stories

Today is like any other day, sadly

Today I woke up (thankfully) after a horrible night filled with my husband throwing me around the room and hitting me.  He came home and was furious and out of control because he found out from his mother (who saw us) that the kids and I went to have a playdate with my friend and her kids, and his mother saw us having fun. Seems strange, doesn’t it, that anyone would get mad over something fun like this. But he considered it as embarrassing him to his mother. AND he said it was all my fault, and that is his excuse for screaming and hitting me all night.  

I have been crying all day.  The kids were beyond terrified and scared, ONCE AGAIN, as he yelled at them to get in their rooms and mind their own business unless they wanted the same thing to happen to them.  They were crying, I was crying, and he was evil, and had the piercing evil eyes, as he struck me, and often ran over and picked me up and threw me across the room. 

How many times I was called horrible names, I could not even keep count. I was just praying that I would survive the night.  I prayed for him to just get tired and go to bed, or just go out for the entire night and leave me and the kids alone. He thankfully left and said he was going to go to his mom’s for the night, and I had BETTER have everything cleaned up by the time he got back in the morning.   

I didn’t sleep at all. I cried all night and comforted my children until they fell asleep. Hoping it would be a better day tomorrow.  Family members of abusers like mine make the situation worse and escalate their rage. Not only do I have to deal with him, but his family making him even angrier as well. I have to get out!  For my sake and my childrens. I wish, I pray that I can find a way to get out and survive with my kids on our own.

 

If you or someone you know needs help, call the Groundwork 24-Hour Domestic Violence Hotline at (815) 729-1228.

Choices

To anyone who may care;  I know it was my choice to marry this man, who hits me every day.  There is not a day that goes by that I don’t regret my decision. I thought I was marrying my prince charming…..but I was SO wrong! 

We have only been married 5 months, and I never saw this coming. He was such a caring individual when I met him, or so I thought. He started beating me the day we left on our honeymoon.  I thought it was my fault, because he said so.

My family thinks he is wonderful and that it is all in my head, they don’t want to hear what I have to say of what has happened. It is sad when family members don’t care to listen or help. 

As I am on my own, trying to figure out what I can do, I know he doesn’t think he is doing anything wrong. I asked him to get help and go to counseling with me, and for that comment I made, he hit me even more. I know I am alone in finding my way. 

My self-worth has dropped so much since I got married, and decreases each day, so I know I cannot stay. I don’t want to end up dead. My life, so it Is my choice to make it better.

 

If you or someone you know needs help, call the Groundwork 24-Hour Domestic Violence Hotline at (815) 729-1228.

A day in the life of a Domestic Violence Survivor, that’s ME

I may be nameless to strangers who don’t know me, but I struggle everyday to feel human, as my husband has made me feel less than human, but instead has treated me like a dog.

I have seen people give me dirty looks, but offer no help, as I walk through the grocery store, and then they look away.  No one cares to step up and help. I am stuck. I am pregnant and stuck in this horror, and afraid as I prepare to welcome a new baby into this nightmare world I face everyday.  Does anyone even care about the horrors I have faced, or face now?!!! I don’t think so.

Fear takes me deep inside myself, as I try to figure out how I can possibly leave. He tells me that I am nothing without him.  Am I?

Who am I, as I sit here, in the library, crying inside of myself, while he is at work. And this is my only time to think; think of what will I do, think of what he is going to do to me when he gets home, think of what I will face tomorrow.

Here’s hoping that he comes home in a good mood, or that someday, I find a place to go to, and enough money, so I can leave with my baby, while we can.

Keep me in your thoughts, as I try to find my way.  I know I am worth more.

 

If you or someone you know needs help, call the Groundwork 24-Hour Domestic Violence Hotline at (815) 729-1228.

What you hear is what you want to hear….

As I was asked to write my story of survival, in my journey as a domestic violence survivor, I thought of the fact that no one really wants to hear what I have to say, as I have seen so many people ignore what is going on right in front of them. 

I can say that with certainty that my family, and my abusers family, knew what was going on, yet did nothing to help me. My family thought that it could not really happen to people they know.  They think the idea of abuse is when a woman ends up in the hospital or sadly, a morgue.   

Domestic violence/abuse is so much more than that, and everyone goes through something different. People think that it is a “private matter”, between a husband and wife, a boyfriend and a girlfriend, or girlfriend and girlfriend or boyfriend and boyfriend. Well, it is not!  Not when it becomes violent and affects a person’s health, both physically and emotionally! It should be everyone’s problem!

My family failed me and the abuser’s family failed, as they encouraged him to further abuse me. They definitely escalated his anger. But I don’t blame anyone for his abuse, just him.  BUT…..anyone who stands by and lets it happen, only enables the abuse. Anyone who makes excuses for his behavior, or ignores it, is victim blaming, and that is NOT ok.

The courts are a huge joke, and not in a positive way.  They fail women each and everyday. They think abuse is made up and not a serious issue.  I had a judge make an inappropriate comment to me, but who is going to make him accountable?!!!! No one in Will County or Illinois, that is for sure. 

Women are not equal in the courts or in this county, especially not those who have been affected by domestic violence. It is obvious that these judges and the entire system needs further training.  I pray someday that will happen, so that women are treated much better than we have been.

Maybe someday.

 

If you or someone you know needs help, call the Groundwork 24-Hour Domestic Violence Hotline at (815) 729-1228.

You is Kind, You is Smart, You is Important.

I was watching a movie, not long ago, with the words I say to myself everyday, since the first day he hit me, and caused a bad bloody nose, and bruised cheek.  It says; “You is kind, You is smart, You is important.”  

I have to repeat this to myself many times on a daily basis, even while he hits me. I am a kind person that doesn’t  deserve to be treated like this, even though he says I deserve to be hit and more!  

My life is real, my pain is real, it is not a movie.  I am going through so much physical as well emotional pain, all at the same time, and sometimes it can be very overwhelming. Especially while I am seeking to leave my abuser, but not knowing how to do so.  It is scary, to say the least!  

The amount of fear I have, deciding how to leave, while taking care of my little girl, is very stressful and fills me with such anxiety.  How many times he has told me, while hitting me, that no one will believe me if I tell anyone what he does to me. So he says I better keep my mouth shut, or I will lose everything and end up sleeping in the streets.  Of course, I am afraid.  

When I am hit repeatedly and stripped of my dignity…..I feel empty. After being beaten down physically and emotionally, I feel so raw, like I am down to nothing.  Does anyone know how that feels?!  

Feeling so alone, I am so glad I have my baby girl, she and I have each other.  I pray that I can find the strength to get us both out of here. He scares my little girl everyday, as I see in her eyes the fear she has of him, and she is only three, so I need to get her out of this horror.  

I just need to take that one step, to get even a small little room to rent somewhere (if I can find help), far away from him, then I can find a job to get my daughter and I a better life.  Just need a lift up and a miracle. One step at a time. 

 

If you or someone you know needs help, call the Groundwork 24-Hour Domestic Violence Hotline at (815) 729-1228.