No one can tell me that you can’t learn something new every day of your life. Even the smallest of things learned in a minute are rewarding. Being a young female learning to love and care for another can take its toll on a life, especially when married to a dominating man. You never really know a person until you live with them and even then you don’t really know him.
If one would think back in the beginning there are often signs to abuse and neglectful situation in your life. In the beginning if I allowed negative behaviors from him it could have only been because I thought he would change or I thought I would be able to change him. I have always been a survivor mentally, but physically I was weak. However, the ability to remain focused on growing up and continuing my education help me to survive many abusive situations.
Abuse – both physical and mental – was not invisible. Other people could tell something was wrong and eventually I found out that I was lying to myself about myself. I had to learn that no one was more important than me in a relationship. To survive I had to let go and let God. Today I can say, I have never forgotten the past abusive situations, but those past situations don’t hinder my growth to a better me daily.
The gifts of life continually help me to fight for survival. The lesson to survival was taking the challenge and letting go of fear of the unknown and being without the person whom I thought loved me for me. What I came to realize then and even now in life is no one can love you more than you love yourself and Love doesn’t hurt. To survive I had to talk to myself, talk to others, talk about my fears, talk about my successes, talk about resources to care, talk about reaching higher grounds, talk to Jesus, talk to the wall, just talk and hear myself talk and I am a survivor today.
I am a survivor in many respects when it comes to remembering physical and mental abuse at the hands of men. In a way I don’t fault the abuser, because he has his story to tell and maybe it is one of a generational curse that was planted in his life. The emotional scars of the past do not keep me from making my way into the future positively. Past abusive situations have only made me a stronger woman to set goals and have positive outcomes. I can’t list all the abuse that I have been through in my past, but in the end I can tell you that I have remained steadfast with loving myself first and remembering that love doesn’t hurt.